


daffodil on the hills.

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Brief mention of Karasuno members, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 08:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21491413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Some things end.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 5
Kudos: 115





	daffodil on the hills.

Kei was drifting halfway to sleep when the low sound of his phone ringing and vibrating on the coffee table startles him. Blearly blinking his eyes, he stares at the phone for a good few seconds before lazily leaning forward and picks it up. He doesn’t need to see who is calling him because there’s only a few of them now who has his number, and each is assigned with personalized ringtone.

His parents has one. Akiteru has one. Tadashi has one, and this is Tadashi’s.

He picks up and says his greeting when Tadashi’s muffled voice comes through.   
  


“Tsukki,” as endearing as ever. Tadashi never stops addressing him with endearment, never stops talking to Kei enthusiastically, all while knowing Kei’s usual cold demeanor. He knows Kei inside out. He knows Kei is not mean, that he is a kind man and he will never stops thinking so. He cares for Kei a lot, hence the calls every other day to check up on Kei.

“How are you today?” Kei replies, closing his eyes. The sleepiness still tugs him but he needs to do it now, to talk to Tadashi. “How’s Hitoka and Rui?”

“I’m good! Hitoka-chan is good too, but Rui just caught a slight cold. It’s not bad! He’s still eating a lot, sleeps a lot too. Ah yes, it’s Tsukki,” Kei knows the last sentence was directed to Yachi. “Hitoka-chan says hi,”

“Say hi to her too,”

And silence. Kei can hear Tadashi’s breathing from the other line. He doesn’t breathe hard, but he knows Tadashi would find it deafening. The silence.

“Tsukki, when are you coming home?” Tadashi’s voice sounds sad now and Kei hates that. “It’s-it’s been a year now. I think they’re starting to get upset with me for hiding you,”

“They don’t get to be upset with you, Tadashi, you know it,”

“Okay,” he inhales “I still think they care more than what you think, Tsukki,”

“It’s called obligation. They’re feeling obligated to feel like they should care,”

“It sounds mean when you put it like that,”   
  
“I-I don’t-”   
  


“You’re upset, Tsukki. I know. You have all the rights to be.” Tadashi is using his kind voice now. He is always kind anyway but it’s a voice Kei wants to be wrapped in. It feels like a hug and a lot of kind pats on his back, and Kei is not ashamed to admit he misses the hugs and pats on his back - the kind Tadashi would always give him, knowingly. In any situations. “I met Akaashi-san yesterday. Accidentally, I mean. Bumped into him,”

Kei inhales and slightly loudly exhales, readying himself to hear what comes after. “I still think he misses you the most, Tsukki,”

“I hope he didn’t pester you tell him my whereabouts,”

“No he didn’t,” Kei nods to that, even though he knows Tadashi couldn’t see it. “He only asked if you’re okay,”

  
  


_ “I know you won’t tell me where he is now no matter how many times we ask. Or I ask. It’s been a year now, I probably have to give up on that question,” _

_ Tadashi nodded to that. He held Akaashi’s gaze, knowing how scary that gaze can be - all knowing, all calculating, all searching - but he also holds Kei very close to his heart. He will protect Kei, scary or not the senior may be. _

_ “So I’m going to ask another question, and I hope you can at least answer this one,” there’s a shift of emotions in his eyes, despite looking cold and expressionless. Oh, Tadashi knows all too well about reading cold eyes like Akaashi’s. “How is he? I-Is he eating well?” _

_ Tadashi didn’t expect the little stutter in Akaashi’s voice, and the strong face he had on facing the senior crumbled a little when Akaashi stepped forward to grab Tadashi’s arm, “Is he alone?” _

_ Schooling his strong face back, Tadashi replied with very much hurt in his heart. “He’s not alone,” Hurt for Kei. “He has me,” Hurt for Akaashi. “And he is well,” Hurt for himself. Kei is not alone. Kei has him. Still, it hurts that despite that, he’s not where Kei is. How much of Tadashi does Kei has, if he’s not anywhere beside him? _

_ Akaashi gave him one last grip, before he took his hand back, nodding to himself and whispered, “I just want him to know I miss him,”. _

_ Tadashi reached out to grab Akaashi’s shoulder, gave it a squeeze and walked away. It’s never not hurt seeing this over and over again, but Tadashi has priorities. _

“You told him?” 

“I did. He deserves to know at least that, Tsukki. I’m sorry,”

“It’s okay,”

Tadashi quickly changes the topic to the stories at his workplace. Teaching high school students will never short of strange and hilarious story supplies. Tadashi talks about Rui, too. When Kei decided to move away from Tokyo after the incident, Rui fell sick a few days. He misses Kei, Hitoka says. Kei said it’s ridiculous, because he was only a baby at that time, but everyone knows that even babies knows emotion like that. Kei doesn’t reply a lot, he’s fine with listening to Tadashi’s chatter, very much like how it’s always been. If there’s one thing that roots him home, it’s Tadashi.

Kei stands up after ending the call, thinking of walking along the beach. Sitting inside the chalet-house is nice, but with good clear weather right now, walking outside would feel nice too. It’s windy when he steps outside. A little cold, and windy. 

This is where he hides himself. In a chalet-house by the beach. In a place far away from home, and them. The downside is that it is also far away from Tadashi and his little family but his peace is important to him. To mend his heart, to sort everything back so he can live and walk forward without feeling like he is going to crumble anytime soon.

You know, he always has the principle of not placing a hope too high or just don’t hope at all. Give little effort, so when nothing is working you aren’t too far from the ground and the impact from the fall won’t hurt you as much. Invest little, so you don’t lose a lot. He denies that principle once when he started investing more than he likes in volleyball. All from that little talk from-

-from Bokuto. And that was the small start to all of these.

Bokuto’s motivational talk. Kuroo’s persistent guidance. Akaashi’s comforting presence.

Kei lets the water touches his feet, feeling the cold. He walks along the shallow part of the beach, looking at his own feet as they bury into the soft sand. He stops when a small crab catches his attention, climbing its way to the drier part of the sand. Every time when it looks like it succeeds in making it, the water comes up and pulls him back again. The crab is persistent. It tries again. And again. And making progress.

Kei silently compares the crab’s effort to his effort in re-sorting his feelings and thoughts. Memories will always pull him back, but he will succeed. He will make it to the spot, where the memories won’t pull him back. He smiles. At the crab and himself.

\--

_ He couldn’t remember what the fight is all about. Kuroo is full on yelling at him, pacing in their shared apartment, rapidly asking questions he didn’t even have time to answer. When Bokuto and Akaashi arrived, they were a little out of breath. Probably from running and rushing to reach home. Of course they would, people could hear Kuroo from the outside with the volume he had been using since a while ago. _

_ Both Bokuto and Akaashi caught his eyes before turning to Kuroo, and the former immediately approached Kuroo to calm him down. He gripped both of Kuroo’s arm, pushed him slowly to the wall, running his hands up and down in an attempt to soothe his anger down. Akaashi had his attention to Kei, imitating Bokuto’s actions with softer touch. _

_ Everything remains heavy until later that night. Akaashi kept Kei company until he thought he fell asleep. He left the bedroom Kei’s sharing with Kuroo and headed to the living room, where Kuroo and Bokuto were. They were still talking in a hushed voice, talked and talked, about the cause of the fight, about the past and about the future. _

_ Kei wasn’t asleep. He tried to, honest, but he couldn’t. How could he be asleep when his mind was all but swimming in the questions Kuroo bombarded him with just a few hours ago. _

_ ‘Do you even care about me? Do you even care about us?’ _

_ ‘Are you ashamed of this? Is that why you haven’t been talking to anyone else about us?’ _

_ ‘Are you forgetting that you’re in a relationship with three of us?’ _

_ ‘I don’t feel like you’re as invested as much as we are in this,’ _

_ ‘Do you even love us? Do you even love me?’ _

_ ‘I thought I read you well,’ _

_ ‘You’re still hiding so much from us,’ _

_ ‘You hardly even say the words,’ _

_ ‘You’re too distant,’ _

_ ‘You’re too closed off,’ _

_ ‘You’re too difficult,’ _

_ ‘This thing with you is difficult,’ _

_ Kei didn’t think he could handle it anymore. He needed to wash his face. He’ll wait for a little bit before going to the bathroom, he thought. He calculated the time when Akaashi is probably asleep by then, and then he got up slowly towards the door, quietly opened it and he heard voices. _

_ “This doesn’t work. It was better when it’s the three of us,” _

_ “You don’t mean that, Tetsurou,” _

_ “It was too difficult. It is difficult. Now you tell me, isn’t it like that for you guys too?” _

_ “He’s not much different with Keiji if you ask me. The quiet kind,” _

_ “It’s been a year already, Kou,” _

_ “You love him too don’t you? You give him time, you gave me time,” _

_ “You’re different,” _

_   
_ _ “How different? Do you love us differently too?” _

_ “You know I love you guys. You both have been in my life for a longer time,” _

_ “You don’t love him the same?” _

_ “I-I don’t… I mean maybe not enough. Not enough to handle this,” _

_ “Tetsu, you don’t mean that,” _

_ Kei closed the door as quiet and softly as possible. He walked carefully to the bed, climbed carefully on it, pulled the blanket slowly and tried to will himself to close his eyes and sleep. He never got that sleep, and Kuroo never return to the room. _

\--

The sky is beautiful with the dark orange hue when Kei decided to walk back home. It is inevitable, he thinks, that the memories will try to pull him back whenever he’s alone. That is why he needs Tadashi to call him every other day. How much he wishes Tadashi is around. He misses his best friend more than he thinks he could.

He is not too far away from the chalet-house he’s been living in the past year when a voice stopped him. No. His name. 

“Tsukishima?”

He looks up to see Kageyama Tobio in flesh, dressing for a run, face almost expressionless but there’s still a surprise clear in his eyes. Out of many people, Kei thinks, but he couldn’t find in himself to tease, to call him King, or even to reply to that call. He just looking, not expecting anything, not knowing to do anything. So he just looks.

“It’s Tsukishima Kei?” Kageyama walks forward, carefully. There are a lot of things changing with growing up, and Kageyama is showing all the changes Kei does not expect. Kei does not know where his gaze actually falls. It goes past Kageyama’s head, and it startles him when Kageyama lightly touches his arm. “Tsukishima,” his voice sounds confirming what he saw.

What Kei also does not expect is the way Kageyama slides his hand down to grip Kei’s hand, and his other hand comes up to grip Kei’s other arm. He moves his hands around, feeling Kei’s limbs, as if trying to make sure that he is seeing an actual person and not a ghost. It’s funny the way Kageyama still looks so child-like and innocent doing that but Kei couldn’t even snort. He just smiles, and that’s when Kageyama looks up to his face.

“You’re alive. You’re-you’re alright.” Now his voice is laced with so much relief, Kei almost feel like tearing up to that.

“I am,” and because he wasn’t ready to speak, his voice croaks when he answers, and it breaks Kageyama’s expression. His grips on both of Kei’s arms tighten.

Kageyama just keep staring into Kei’s eyes, searching for something Kei couldn’t guess. He wasn’t that close with Kageyama. Their relationship got better towards their third year, but it’s not even close to what he has with Yachi.

After a long quiet moment, Kageyama steps back, releasing his grip reluctantly and still looking into his eyes. “I’m assuming there’s a reason you went MIA a year back,” Kageyama looks to his side, “Wait I’m stupid, of course there is,”

Kei snorts. The man in front of him slowly turns to look at him again. Inhaling exaggeratedly, and exhales just as dramatic, he continues. “And I will let you be. Now that I see you alive and well, I think that is enough,”

“You know our friends have been talking about how you’re MIA, right? Yamaguchi is very stubborn about it,”

“I asked him to,”

“You-you live here now?”

Kei looks around him a little before getting back to Kageyama, “Yeah,”. And to that, Kageyama looks around too, as if trying to digest the situation and to understand the place. He returns the gaze on Kei.

“Tsukishima,”

“King,”

“Is it stupid that I kind of miss that nickname?”

“You’ve always been kind of…”

“Ok that’s enough. Since you can do that I know you’re well. Outside at least,”

“Thanks,”

“I’ll take my leave. I-I’ll keep this meeting secret, and your whereabout secret too,” Kageyama takes a little more steps back. 

“I trust you to it,” Kei starts moving away. He has no doubt that Kageyama will be as tight lipped as Tadashi has been. He has trust for him like that.

“Tsukishima,” Kei turns to look at Kageyama again, hoping to be the last time today, or for a long time, “You’re fine, right?”

Kei smiles, “Move along, King,”

Kageyama stands still for a few seconds, trying to gauge something from Kei, but Kei does not move and he holds the little smile at him. Eventually Kageyama nods, turns around and jogs a little towards the other way.

Kei never thought of asking why is he even here. He probably doesn’t need to. As he walks back to the house, he thinks. He thinks about Kageyama. From Kageyama his mind wanders to Hinata. Tadashi. Yachi. Nishinoya and Tanaka. Sawamura, Sugawara, Azumane, Shimizu who they’ve been calling The Third Years even after they turned third years themselves. Coach. Sensei. The shop.

Home.

Maybe it’s time to visit home.

\-----

_ Akaashi is the first to notice, because Kei wakes up early due to his problems with sleeping. Kei usually has his coffee ready very early in the morning, and he takes shower just as early - even during his day off. It’s the weekend, everyone is having their day off. Seeing that the coffee is still not made and the bathroom is oddly dry, Akaashi decides to check his room. At first he thought maybe Kei was a little tired from yesterday’s fight and all that crying.  _

_ The initial curiosity came when he entered the second room. Kuroo shares this room with Kei but Kuroo slept with him in his shared room with Bokuto last night. Bokuto fell asleep on the couch while watching movies. So when he saw how the bed is made with no Kei in sight, he got a little weirded out. He checked around. Kei’s usual bag wasn’t there. ‘Maybe he’s already out and in a hurry,’ Akaashi tried to conclude with optimism but he went to check their study room too. _

_ It was when he saw Kei’s books section was empty and his stationery on the study desk gone, he slowly descended into panic. Kei’s book section took majority of their small bookshelf, because he’s a nerd like that. The sight of empty section was jarring and hurtful to his eyes. He wished he was wrong, he ran back to the second room and opened the closet in panic. True to his fear, Kei’s section… was empty too.  _

_ Akaashi ran to the genkan, trying to check the key box. Their keys were all there. His own, Kuroo’s, Bokuto’s... but when he saw one single key placed on the shoe rack, without a keychain and one single access card to their apartment, he didn’t remember what sound he let out or if it was a cry. _

_ \-- _

_ “Kou, eat a little,” _

_ Bokuto made a non-committal sound, buried in the fold of his arms. “-mnot hungry,” _

_ “Please eat a little,” _

_ “I’m. Not. HUNGRY!” He slammed the table, so loud it startled Kuroo who stood close to him, “I don’t want these food! Kei is supposed to cook today! Where is he?” Bokuto made a move as if he’s going to wipe away the food served on the table but stopped himself. _

_ “Kou,” Kuroo squeezed his shoulder, but Bokuto swatted it way. _

_ “Your fault!” he pointed at Kuroo. _

_ Kuroo didn’t even retort to that when Akaashi interfered, “That’s not fair, Kou,” _

_ “What’s not fair? Who was it, saying, this doesn’t work? It was better when it’s the three of us? Why don’t I feel better, Keiji?” Bokuto curled his hands into fists, staring at the table as if it offended him so much he would break it. “Why I don’t feel any better, Tetsu?” _

_ \-- _

_ “He fell in love with you first, did you know?” _

_ \--  _

  
  


Kei’s return to Miyagi is quicker than he expected. He keeps his chalet-house by the beach. It’s his home now. He thinks it is time for him to start working again and he intends to start there. Originally he’s planning to get away and heal for two years and returns to Miyagi to his parents’ home, but he found peace he likes there. He could live walking by the beach every other day. He could live smelling the sea and smells like the sea. The town is not that small, it is not completely isolated, but good enough to stay away from unwanted things he ran away from. He intends to come home once in a while, check on his parents, check on Akiteru, not to forget Tadashi - and then he’ll return to that solace. 

It’s only the first morning after he reached home yesterday. He decides to take a walk after breakfast with his parents and Aki, feeling Miyagi’s air and maybe sitting in the middle of the field to achieve Zen. He has his gaze down on his shoes as he walks leisurely. It becomes a habit now, looking at the way his feet touch the ground, how the shoes squashes beneath his weight and see how the path changes after the steps. He reaches the small field with shallow hills, decides to sit down and watch a small group of children already up and playing this early morning.

Kei doesn’t know how long he has been sitting there, just observing, when he feels the sun is getting a little warmer for his liking and noticing that it was almost noon. Not a good sun time, he thinks. Kei gets up, gives a little pats on his pants before walking up to the road back to his house. The little climb up causes him looking down, so when he reaches the top and onto the road back to his house, he raises his head and catches a sight he wish he doesn’t. It’s the reason, or reasons he has been running into isolation.

Standing shocked and wide eyes, a few meters away, thankfully opposite the direction of his house, are Kuroo, Bokuto and Akaashi.

Kei panics. He doesn’t want to think, he doesn’t need to think, he just needs to get away from there. He walks briskly towards his house, opposite where they’re standing. When he hears a voice calling his name from their direction, he bolts. He doesn’t know if he can outrun them, but he runs anyway. He runs as fast as he can. He doesn’t have to think if they’re chasing, he doesn’t want to look back to check, but he takes different turns and detours to avoid showing a straight path to his home. He reaches his home, opens the gate in a rush and scrambles into the house. He’s out of breath when he finally be able to get into the house and closes the door. 

“Kei? Honey, what’s wrong?” his mother appears from the kitchen, startled from all the ruckus he made.

“I-I need to pee. Very urgently,” Kei lies - and quickly makes his way towards the bathroom. He hears his mother giggles a little and probably gets back to the kitchen.

“Breathe,” he whispers to himself.

‘Breathe,’ he hears Tadashi says.

\--

“How long you’ll be here, Tsukki?”

“I think about a few days more,” Kei doesn’t tell Tadashi about his encounter. Yet. He did weighs his options, he’s still not sure. Should he mention that? Will Tadashi be worried? He’s not in Miyagi right now, if he tells Tadashi about it he could be rushing here for petty reason that is Kei.

“I’m in Miyagi now,” Oh. “I met them a while ago. Accidentally, I mean,” Oh shoot.

Kei couldn’t answer, and his failure to respond gives Tadashi the ideas.

“You met them too, didn’t you?” That’s a correct idea. “And you ran,” Ah crap.

“You can’t expect me to give them hugs can you?” Kei surrenders. 

They let one, three, ten, twenty seconds pass by without saying anything. Kei can hear rustles from the other line, knowing that Tadashi is still there. Tadashi sighs softly.

“You know you can tell me, right?”

“I was going to. I needed a little time. You just got to it first,” Kei exhales the breath stuck in his throat, “I-I just don’t want you to - I don’t know - for some reason, maybe, to come down here in Miyagi because, just because I met them,”

“You’re damn right I’ll do, you knew this already Tsukki. I’d do it for you, I’ll be there for you. I guess the universe wants to help me too. I return to Miyagi? Coincidence. Hitoka and Rui is here too, you should meet us before you go. Meeting them on my way to Foothills? Accident.” Kei hears Tadashi sighs softly. “What do you want to do, Tsukki? What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t want to see them,” Kei says in half-whispers, as if he half-wanting that. He doesn’t know. Or maybe he knows. The wound, albeit is already more than a year old, hits him with fresh painful jab after that encounter. “Don’t let me see them,”

“Okay,” He can sense Tadashi is nodding on the other line, “Okay, Tsukki,”

\--

_ “Keiji, did you see where my white hoodie is?” _

_ “Your white hoodie? Which one?” Akaashi appeared at the door-frame. He’s in the middle of cooking when Kuroo called him. _

_ “You know the one,” Kuroo is still digging into the dresser. It’s the ‘hoodies and sweaters’ dresser, where they all keep theirs inside. _

_ “I don’t think you have a white one,” Akaashi frowned. Did Kuroo ever own a white hoodie? And then it hits him. _

_ “I do, it has the blue lettering and it says--” Kuroo stopped digging into the pile of soft hoodies. Akaashi could see the realization dawned on him “--’pathetic’,” _

_ It wasn’t Kuroo’s hoodie. It was Kei’s. Kuroo has taken a liking to it and he wore it more often than Kei. Kei once said the hoodie is starting to smell like Kuroo even after washing it. Kuroo asked if he’s complaining but he encountered back with shy admission that he liked it. They realized that Kei took it with him. _

_ Kuroo didn’t move from the dresser. He was trying so hard to hold it but he broke a little. He gripped a hoodie under his hands, head’s down. “I’m pathetic, am I,” _

_ Akaashi hurriedly went and hugged Kuroo from behind. He said nothing. He didn’t even know what to say now. It has been a month since Kei’s disappearance. They’ve contacted every single person they knew. The only thing they got was from Kei’s boss, he mentioned Kei sent a letter of resignation and apologies. He even let them read the letter, but no details from there. It wasn’t sent by post, it was by hand, slipped under the door. Kei only mentioned having a family emergency and apologized for cutting everything abruptly without prior notice. That’s the only thing that stopped them from reporting missing person. Akaashi thought of contacting Yamaguchi, but they first need his contact information and they haven’t gotten into that yet. _

_ Kuroo made no move to return the hug, but he sniffed and Akaashi can hear little sobs he poorly tried to hold “I miss him, Keiji. I was wrong,” _

_ Akaashi nodded wordlessly. He felt himself tearing up too, and his worry for Kei rose again.  _

_ \-- _

_ Kuroo stirred restlessly on his bed. No, it’s not his bed. It’s Akaashi and Bokuto’s bed. He couldn’t bring himself to sleep in his own bed. Kei’s smell was too strong, and it saddens him. He gave up and got himself out of the bed. The house was quiet. Both of his boyfriends were sleeping in his room, he didn’t bother to check. He walked into the living room, pulled the curtain and took the night sight in. _

_ After a while he walked to the couch and dropped himself. He dug under the coffee table for magazine when he caught a book he knew so well. One of Kei’s notebooks. Kei has a lot of notebooks for different things. He pulled it out carefully, feeling the sting in his heart as he did. He turned the notebook around. Kei must’ve forgotten that it’s here, he thought. ‘Or he’ll take this too,’. _

_ Kuroo didn’t think he should, but he opened the notebook anyway. It’s a sort of notebook to track groceries and ingredients they bought every grocery day, with special mentions for whom the ingredients were and their cooking plans. Mostly Kei’s cooking plans, but if one of them let the house know what they’re cooking that day, Kei wrote it down too. _

_ What’s gotten to Kuroo wasn’t that it’s Kei’s, filled with Kei’s neat handwriting. Well, that too, but mostly for the cute little doodles he had all on every page. He doodled himself, Bokuto, Akaashi and Kuroo in various forms. Sometimes they’re just chibi versions of them, sometimes Bokuto and Akaashi as owls, Kuroo as cat and himself as baby crow. Sometimes it’s just names, decorated with little hearts. But they’re always together, linked or drawn to huddle together. Among the notes there were pages with printed pictures glued on them. They’re pictures of the food they’ve cooked but never the one Kei cooked. Even though it’s jotted with notes like ‘too salty’, ‘not enough spice’ and that sorts of comments, Kei didn’t missed to doodle little hearts near the photos too. _

_ ‘I don’t feel like you’re as invested as much as we are in this,’ _

_ Kuroo almost closed the notebook with too much force, remembering his own words during their last argument, and - as much as he wanted to forget it - the look on Kei’s face. _

_ “Tetsu?” Kuroo snapped his head towards Bokuto, startled. He didn’t hear him at all. Bokuto walked towards him, dropped himself beside Kuroo. Slowly he took the notebook away from his hand and placed it on the table. Wordlessly he hugged Kuroo and pushed his head so Kuroo can bury his face against his shoulder. So Kuroo did, and he gripped Bokuto’s sides so hard, willed himself to not cry the second time today.  _

_ Bokuto returned the hug just as strong, as if trying to squeeze all the sads out of them. _

_ \-- _

_ “Fancy seeing you again young men!” _

_ “Oukubo-san, you’re back! How’s your vacation?” _

_ “It was awesome! I even bought souvenirs for the four of you. Here,” They froze for a second at the mention of four. Their elderly neighbor, Oukubo, didn’t seem to notice that. He’s busy digging from the bag he brought with him to find them the gifts from his vacation. “This here is the special strawberries I got from there. They’re just strawberries, but would you look at that size! Here, the glasses boy sure would love this!” _

_ Akaashi and Kuroo were totally frozen at that but Bokuto snapped out early so he offered his hands to take the strawberries from Oukubo. The elder kept going talking about the gifts he got for them. At the mention for four, and glasses boy a little too often, Kuroo decided he couldn’t take it so he made an excuse to return to their unit.  _

_ Oukubo didn’t seem to mind, and waved them goodbye after handing them all the gifts. _

_ \-- _

Kei sees himself.

It’s a dream, he guesses. A dream where he’s aware that it’s a dream. What is this supernatural thing, he doesn’t know. He sees only himself. This dream Kei is walking, and he follows. He walks, and he follows. He passes by many places, many people, many things, until he realizes that he is following dream Kei walking down the memory lane.

He feels a little fear inside of him. If this is a memory lane true to his own, then there are memories he wishes he forgets, or never encounters. As he nurses his growing anxiety, dream Kei stops. Out of many spots to stop, he stops at when he met them. Just when he expects dream Kei to go through the whole memory all over again, it changes. They walk away and dream Kei follows, so he follows too. They walk, and both Kei follow. At some point, dream Kei starts slowing down but the three of them keep walking. They keep walking and disappears from sight. Dream Kei just stands there.

“Tsukki,” a voice calls. Echoing, familiar voice. “Tsukki,” of course it is Tadashi, but it does not echoes for the second time. He doesn’t see Tadashi anywhere, but dream Kei stretch his hand forward and he finally sees dream Tadashi catches it.

Dream Tadashi walks, dream Kei follows.

“Kei, honey, where have you gone?” he hears his mother now. Up ahead along the path dream Tadashi and Kei are walking on, is his dream parents. His father is quiet as ever, but he stands there with his mother, slight smile on.

“Keiii!” energetic voice belongs to Akiteru, and he sees dream Akiteru behind their parents, waving like a child, excited to see Kei. Dream Tadashi continues to pull dream version of him towards his family, and they greet him with smiles.

Kei opens his eyes, realizing he’s out of the dream now. He blinks and stares at the ceiling above him. The morning light peeks between his curtain, and he can hear his mother downstairs busying around as usual. Cooking, cleaning. It’s a sound that’s so calm to his ears. Familiar sounds that root him back to the ground. He can hear his mom calls for Akiteru, and Akiteru responding. His voice is close, because his room is just beside Kei’s. Kei hears muffled footsteps, and light knocks on his door. The door opens, Akiteru peeks in and he just lazily turns towards his brother while still lying on the bed.

“Oh you’re awake! Mom calls for breakfast,” Akiteru flashes him a grin, backs out and slowly closes the door. “Wash your face before you come down!” he calls from outside.

Kei doesn’t respond. He looks back up to the ceiling, feeling in the now, the voices, the sound, the familiarity. And he gets off the bed.

When he walks down and sees his family busying around the dining table. Even his father. He excitedly shows Akiteru the dinosaur family mugs he bought, being super proud of it and discusses which one of it would be Kei’s and which one is Akiteru’s.

And Kei wonders why has he been running all these while.

\--

It’s getting late in the afternoon when Kei arrives at the same shallow hills where he accidentally meet them two days ago. There are no children around playing. Just him. And some birds. So Kei sits on the hill, his sight sets on the river nearby.

He just sits there for quite some time. The warm weather from the afternoon starting to cool down a little. He hears birds, he hears wind, he hears other ambient sounds and he hears footsteps. He doesn’t need to turn to know that they belong to several people, and they stopped very close to him.

One second.

Two seconds.

Ten seconds.

Kei turns his head, and he’s correct about the people those footsteps belong to. He doesn’t get up and bolt away this time. He just sits, and returns his gaze at the flowing river. Following a few things that float with the flow. When it disappears from his sight, his gaze finds another, and follows. Rinse, and repeat.

“I’ve been running. I’m sorry,” he starts.

“Kei,” the first brave soul to utter his name. Akaashi.

“I needed time. I had it,” he exhales softly. “Maybe you guys needed it too, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter now,”

“Tsukki,” second brave soul, Bokuto. It sounds a little sad. Maybe.

“You weren’t wrong. I thought we would work. Except, I’m confident that I love you. All three of you. There was no doubt in it. Hence, I guess, the thought that it would work,

Maybe it was my fault. Maybe it has always been my fault. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe some. I guess being myself contributed a lot to that. How do I show that I care? How do I show that things matter to me? How do I show that I’m invested, that I’ve hoped, that I too wanted it all? Maybe I should’ve learned how,

Or maybe none of that actually matters,”

“Kei, of course it matters. We were at fault too, we should’ve notice-” Akaashi tries. Kei appreciates, but his words just stuck there.

Kei glances at them. Kuroo has his gaze down, frowning at his shoes. Both Akaashi and Bokuto’s eyes fixed on him. “Maybe it’s not needed to,” Kei stands up from where he sits, and take a couple of steps closing their distance. Kuroo looks up now, and Kei fixes his eyes on him. He moves to look at Bokuto, and to Akaashi.

Ah. Maybe he hasn’t stopped loving them.

“You know how you were strong and fit together, the three of you? If this is a dance, you’re dancing effortlessly to the flow. Gracefully, beautifully, together,

I’m a beginner in this dance. I’m new to dancing. You’ve accepted me all the same,

But maybe you shouldn’t. If this is a routine, and you are performing, I am that eyesore that keeps disrupting it. The harmony you had, the grace and beauty you possess - because I’m not any of those.

Until today, I never knew why you had me in. Maybe you’re curious, but maybe that’s unfair of me to say that to you. Maybe you liked my beginner dance, maybe you saw potential in it. To dance with you. To complete the three to four. All these maybes…

But we all know now it was a mistake,”

“No, no no no, Kei, it wasn’t a mistake. You are not a mistake. I probably can catch your analogy about all these, but Kei, you were never a mistake,” Kuroo moves to grab his hand now. He lets him. He can feel that warmth for a bit, now, can he? He’ll let himself to feel this.

“No?” Kei squeezes Kuroo’s hands back. Just a little. He can feel this a little. “But my dance is not enough, isn’t it? It was never enough. You don’t need four. You’re fine with three. If this is curiosity, it’s sated. If this like a test to see how strong your bond is, there you have it. You already have it all,”

“I’m just an addition to what you are. We knew at some point I became a hindrance instead of enhance.”

“Kei please, please stop whatever this is. It’s not what you think, we fit together, all four of us. Four of us. Kei,” now Akaashi takes his other hand, squeezing it hard, as if Kei is going to disappear away. “Please,”

Kei just stares at where their hands joined together. He stares, and does not continue his speeches, when Akaashi had enough. He pulls Kei’s hand, ignoring the other that’s squeezed by Kuroo’s and hugs him hard. He cries to Kei’s shoulder, begging please. It’s so hard to see how Akaashi breaks into that state. So Kei hugs back. As if the hug is a greenlight, Kuroo and Bokuto join into the hug, making it a hug pile. How sweet. Kei can indulge in this for a bit. They mutter his name, call his name, saying how they love him - until Kei pulls back with much strength due to how tight they hug him.

He holds the sides of Bokuto’s face first, pressing their foreheads together, “It’s okay, love. Soon enough you can cook a lot better than I’ve pulled off,” when he releases him, Bokuto is left wide eyed. He’s confused. It’s okay.

Kei kisses Akaashi’s forehead, and hugs him close, “Your quiet love is loud to my ears Akaashi-san, I’m sorry I wasn’t enough,” and when he moves to face Kuroo, Akaashi almost scrambles to chase him.

Kei smiles at Kuroo. Instead of making Kuroo smiles back, he could see his face slowly breaking into sadness. Kei raises one hand to touch his cheek and Kuroo quickly put his hand on top of it, squeezing it lightly. “How can I forget that I’m in love with all of you? I fell for you first, remember? And the rest came easy. I was never ashamed of us, I always care about us. But I’m sorry I’m difficult,”

“Kei no,” Kuroo whispers, squeezing his hand even harder.

Kei pulls back. He takes a few more steps back and the three of them stare at him as if they’re too petrified to do anything.

Kei bows, raises an encouragement fist, and a smile.   
  
“It’s better when it’s the three of you.”

**Author's Note:**

> An experiment.


End file.
